all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
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