i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
