I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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