Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
