I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize