You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
