Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
