I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
