I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
