I'm going to jail i love you
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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