i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
it was like his penis was on wheels.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
