I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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