I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
