Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
True college students do jello shots in the library
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
