just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Randomize
