How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
