You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
