you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Sober January is a disaster.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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