Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
