Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
