my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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