No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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