im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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