Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
