hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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