so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
