i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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