Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
