Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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