It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
