She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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