I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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