Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
