Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
