why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
