Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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