Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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