We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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