This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
