ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
