you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
