I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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