this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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