I'm eating all of the evidence.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
