I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
