no, he came in my armpit
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize