So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
