I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
