I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
