u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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