her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
