if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
