I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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