yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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