It was confusing and full of hummus
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
