my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
