Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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