Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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