you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
